The 20th came and went and so did the 21st.
I remember waking up around 3am on the morning of the 22nd with contractions. They were notable enough to start timing. Four to six minutes apart. This continued for over an hour. There is something really magical about this phase of labor. The anticipation of being at the end of the “in between.” Jana Studelska says it wonderfully in an essay she wrote, “It is a time of in between. Neither here nor there. Your old self and your new self, balanced on the edge of a pregnancy. One foot in your old world, one foot in a new world.”
Eventually, I made my way to the shower because at the time having fresh hair and makeup on my face felt relevant. I wasn’t planning to wake Josh quite yet, but he came into the bathroom with sleepy eyes and a quick, “is it happening?” question. I smiled and nodded, contractions had stayed consistent. A hum of anticipation filled the house. We had talked through the next steps so many times. Josh would text his dad and let him know that we would like him to come and pick up our daughter in the next few hours. I would call the birth center, text our birth photographer and update my mom who was planning to be at the birth playing the role of mom of the mom and doula.
6:00am we called the birth center and they recommended we hang at home, rest, walk and eat. If labor continued to progress over the next couple of hours, we would know it was the real deal. Next, I was writing these words to my mom in a text, “Hey mom, no need to do anything quite yet but I think today is the day - I'll keep you posted. You can update dad but tell him NOT to say anything to anyone.” Before I could hit “send” she was calling me.
My immediate thought was, “Oh wow, we’re having a Twilight Zone moment and she totally knows this baby is starting to make its way.” I was wrong. I answered, and before I could say a word I knew something was wrong. I thought right away, “Oh shit, my dad is either in or going to the ER. He had some health issues but always managed to “bounce back”. The cat with 9-14 lives, we called him. I noticed she was having a hard time getting her words out and I can’t remember them verbatim, but I know the only word I could say in response was, “no.”
“No.” over and over again until finally I was yelling it and then repeating it over and over again. I sat in the hallway, wet hair, in robe, and in complete shock while Josh held me and we cried. I heard Elouise wake up in her room and my heart broke for her knowing she could hear me trying to process it all.
It was Friday, two days past my due date and my dad had died. Labor had started at 3am and by 6:15am it had stopped. The world had stopped.
Saturday came and went. Contractions didn’t come back.
Obituary had to be written.
A photo had to be chosen.
Will he be cremated or not?
Would he have wanted a full mass?
How is he gone?
Does so and so know yet?
Looking through all the photos. Laughter and tears.